July 26, 2015

@#$%

I moved. My job moved. I'm exhausted beyond belief.

I want to write. But I don't want to write.

I'll come back soon...

July 7, 2015

a world with you


"Think how many doors we'll open
Just as many stars are gonna shine
Who knows where we're going
And who knows what we'll find
I want to see the world
The way I see a world with you
I want to see the world
The way I see a world with you"
- Jason Mraz

Missing you.

June 21, 2015

for my daughter ~ part five



Here we are - part five. I have more love and dating talk for you. Here are a few things you may want to consider.

Your feelings can sway you to believe all sorts of things that may or may not be true. No matter what the entire world may try to convince you of . . . truth is truth. Feelings don't always line up with the truth. You may feel in love. You may feel that he cares for you. You may feel that your feelings, especially about a boy, are telling you that you're in love. 

But . . . if he doesn't show you by his actions that he cares for you and loves you, hold back a little. Wait. Don't give your heart. Your feelings may be strong. Your heart may want to jump in - full speed ahead, but love, being in love, dating and relationships, they're two-way streets. 

There will be times when you're in a relationship when you give more. That is not what I'm talking about. What I am saying is that women's emotions are powerful things. We can convince ourselves of all sorts of things. You could convince yourself he feels the same when you are his part-time, downtime or good time. Why? Because your emotions are all tangled up. 

When you're there in that place, stop yourself and listen to your gut. Stop yourself and listen to your closest friends and your family. I hope you will have a brother old enough to know what's going on. What does he say? How does your dad feel? Really. Is everyone warning you? Do people question you about the way he acts, the things he says, or the things he doesn't do or say?

Does your gut tell you that he doesn't do anything for you? Is he doing all the talking? Asking? Expecting? What happens when you need him? How does he respond? Is he there for you? Does he walk away? 

I watched someone I love walk away from me - his back turned when I was feeling stress. I was fatigued - at my wit's end. He walked away and left me standing there when he had, not only the answer right there in front of us, but at the very least, was the one person I most wanted to talk to right then. 

I learned that day that I let my feelings sway me to give my heart when I should not have. Actions speak louder than words. I mean, we know that's true, right? But when our feelings get involved and we're wrapped up, our heart doesn't always read things correctly. We don't always see the truth. 

You will have a dad that loves you and protects you. I pray for this every day. So maybe you'll be smarter about this than I was am? But sometimes, even still, it's hard to see the forest for the trees when the heart is involved. All I ask is that you stop. Just stop and think for a few brief moments. 

You deserve the love you give. You will love big. You will love with all your heart. You deserve the same in return. Don't compromise. Don't second guess your gut. Don't talk yourself out of expecting that guy's best . . . 

I love big and with all my heart. It's possible that the hurt I feel today is directly in proportion to the love. But I think there's a way to lessen the blow. Love big. But take it slow. You deserve the best.

June 14, 2015

lately

Life. It's crazy. I've had a lot on my mind. None of it that I've wanted to write about. I've made some decisions about the coming months which resulted in me continuing a house search. I found one. It's adorably homey.

Hardwood floors, a tin roof, a FREAKING gas stove {God answers prayers}, new appliances, a garbage disposal {what, what!}, and a backyard filled with old trees. Heaven. I might be moving to heaven.

So . . . not sure if I'll be posting much until I get settled. Or maybe I suddenly will feel inspired. Who knows? What I know for sure is that I'm thankful for some clarity and answered prayers and that if I had to move so soon at least it's to such a sweet little place.

In slightly related news, I need to get back to writing fiction . . .

June 2, 2015

the light in your eyes



What hope did I ever have? 
I didn't stand a chance. 
You have my heart in your hands. 

"I could live by the light in your eyes." - Sara Bareilles

May 31, 2015

faults and all


I do not want my idea of you. That is too easy, and it is not real. I want you, faults and all. And I want you to want me, faults and all, not any ideas you have about love.
Posted by Things I Would Like to Do with You. on Sunday, May 31, 2015

May 26, 2015

life is good

I have a good life.

I grilled on Saturday.

"Memorial Day Weekend"



"dog" "deck" "Memorial Day Weekend"

And hung out with this lunatic.

grilling, "Memorial Day Weekend"


I spent Sunday afternoon across the river with family friends, and their church family, at Camp Don Lee. What a gorgeous place. I will send my kids to camp. Some of the best experiences of my childhood were at camp.

"Neuse River" "river" "eastern NC" "Cherry Branch Ferry"

"sunfish" "sailing" "Neuse River" "summer camp" "learn to sail"

"sunfish" "sailing" "Neuse River" "summer camp" "learn to sail"

"sunfish" "sailing" "Neuse River" "summer camp" "learn to sail"

"sailing" "Neuse River" "summer camp" "learn to sail"

sunset, ferry, "Eastern NC"

I had some help from the kid that mows my lawn, power washing most of the house. Can't get the second story. Oops. But man, does it look better already.


I fired the grill up and made this scrumptious dessert...

grilling "grilling fruit" "grilling peaches"

grilling "grilling fruit" "grilling peaches"


You guys...it was ridiculously good.

Oh...before that, I made the best freshly squeezed lemon/lime margarita.

"freshly squeezed margarita"

And today? I accomplished absolutely nothing besides making homemade pizza and napping. Although I did open up a novel I've finished writing that needs some work.

I am incredibly thankful for the long weekend, the rest, and constant reminders that my life is good.

How was your weekend? Have an adventures? I hope yours was as slow moving an restful as mine!


May 25, 2015

how to win my heart {i don't remember which number this is}



The thing is, I need you to be a man about it. Go ahead.

Don't toy. Don't flirt unless you mean to do something about it. Get on with it. Or go away. 

Really. 

Like this. Need me. 


Okay, don't watch the video {It's pretty lame, unless you watch all the others from this album}. The words are all that matter. Need me. And make it happen. 

Or you know, need me like this...

"I wanna get lost in some corner booth
A cantina in Mexico
I wanna dance to the static of an AM radio
I wanna wrap the moon around us"

"Because I need you..."

I don't want your halfsies. Or your defaults.

A year ago, I called the bluff. And he fizzled out, his light gone quicker than the others. I think about that sometimes. Him and the others. I just hope that you'll stand out from the rest, different. Bold, even if you feel uncertain.

Be a man about it. Because I'm not playing your guessing game.

yes


I would like to daydream. And I would like to fly to you and with you. I would like to learn to surf and wear very...
Posted by Things I Would Like to Do with You. on Monday, May 25, 2015

May 15, 2015

blog redirects

My blog had some nasty script of some kind installed and it was redirecting to another site for awhile. Sorry...if it redirected you to anything weird. Yikes!

I took it offline until I could figure it out...

May 12, 2015

idols

"God is desiring to make good things happen for you, but He won’t do it until you are ready to receive them." - Lysa TerKeurst

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” (Isaiah 30:18).

"As we journey with God, we should desire nothing more than to fellowship with Him. Anything that you desire more than that is an idol." - Lysa TerKeurst

Tonight I read Chapter 17 in What Happens When Women Walk in Faith. Like the previous chapter, there was a mention of idols {aka those things that we want more than Him}.

Well, wow. I don't think this has always been the case, but certainly in recent years, I've wanted many things more than I've wanted the God that loves me {and His plan for me}.

Most of all, I've want this one thing more. Tonight was an awesome reminder that He has given me that dream but not so that it becomes more important than my pursuit of my relationship with Him.

He longs to be gracious. He wants good things for us. But how often are we holding on so tightly that we fail to see what He has for us? Or how often are we so focused on what we want, we forget Him, pushing Him down our priority list?

Convicting, no? But so good. I'm so thankful He has patiently waited for me to get my crap together...

He's awesome, dude.

argue with me


Let's argue. Just a little. We can't always agree. I think you're wrong sometimes.

I guarantee I am. Rarely. But still.

I want to talk it out. Work it out. I don't want it to get stuffed down, ignored or used as a weapon later.

Argue with me. And then forgive me. I will forgive you.

Just promise me that we'll fight fair and that we won't let the sun go down on our anger.


May 10, 2015

expectant hope

Dreaming, Believe, "Hold Fast to Your Dreams", Hope, "Being Single" "Waiting on God"

Mother's Day has grown harder to face, the older I get. I am thankful for my mother. Her faithful praying, giving up meeting her own needs for ours, bearing our burdens, supporting us financially - she did it all. Alone. It's not hard to be thankful for my mother on Mother's Day.

That's not really what I mean.

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of my future. And the dream? Simple really. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and I wanted our home to be like Grand Central Station - the place everyone wanted to be. I hoped it'd be busy all the time.

I dreamed that my husband and I would adopt and that our home would love whomever walked through the door, for however long they needed.

Our family would be the ministry, this life of service I always say myself as living. Our family would love and care for and serve others.

This was all I wanted.

At 39, this definitely is not my life. For the longest time, after being hurt so badly and in a devastating way, I wandered in my faith. I wondered how a good God would place this kind of dream and hope in a person's heart to let them face such sorrow and devastation.

That's all part of the backstory.

As I look towards the future, and as I look back at how I got here, I know for certain that my God has been loving me patiently through the wandering. He's reignited the hope in this dream. And He's let me know, in that way that only He can, that He's given me that dream.

Mother's Day isn't easy when you long to be a mom, when you've lost a baby, or when your prayers go unanswered. Today isn't always easy. But when you know who has placed the dream in your heart, and you know He's by your side, there is always hope.

Today, in the midst of the sadness, I know that the God that loves me in a scandalous way is telling me to have expectant hope. Expectant hope.

Gosh, I sure feel like there's no actual, physical reason to have this expectant hope.

Expectant: having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting.

And so, my hope is alive. It is expectant. Because I'm trusting the God that placed the dream in my heart. If you're reading and struggling today as I have, I hope you will find comfort in a few of the things I've found comfort in today.

"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

"And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore." Hebrews 11:11-12

May 8, 2015

things you should know



- You should know that I lose umbrellas. Not permanently. Just for long enough that I have to go out and buy a new one. Upon buying the new one, I promptly find the old one. I now own three. Except one of the three is missing. I have eyes, however, on the other two so that's a relief.

- I've said before that I love fiercely. Deeply. Patiently and with passion. In the face of crazy odds. And with a stubbornness you would not believe. My heart has been broken, badly. 

- I don't want to want to lose my heart anymore unless it's to you. I don't want to be hurt again. And I certainly don't want to be the one doing all the work to get us there. So I'm sorry if I'm a little tough to get through to - my heart is sore and tired. And . . .  

I'll love  you fiercely, deeply, passionately and with everything I've got. But if you could just do me this one tiny little favor? Be the first to ask. The first to say it. The first to risk.

- I don't really care about straightening my hair and fancy salons, paying to be tan, and I honestly do not give a crap about labels on my clothes or watches. Or purses. But I have a slight problem when it comes to buying expensive and/or fancy food. Also, wine could be a problem. Maybe also candles and flowers. Sorry in advance. I'm working on it. 

- You'll eat and drink really well {see above}. 

- I know too many ridiculous lines from movies and an incredible amount of worthless song lyrics. And I love them all. And I'm sorry if I sing them. Or say them. Truly. Please forgive me when I say random things. I try to act cool but I always fail miserably.