April 24, 2015

take me the way i am

I want to see you excited all of the time. I am currently addicted to seeing you happy.

But when you're not - when you're hot and sweaty and tired, after a horrible day, I will want to find the ways to ease you into home - to the sanctuary we make. I want to see you then, at your worst. Just as when you're the happiest you've ever been. And I want to know you in the struggle, finding ways to hold you up and encourage you.

I am a little flighty from time to time. I forget things sometimes - like when I'm really busy. It's kind of annoying. Promise me you'll be patient with me.

I want to hug you so bad right now. So bad, baby. You had better be affectionate with me or I will go insane. If you're not, you had better learn right this very minute. I mean it, buster. This is not negotiable. This is a "it's my way or the highway" kind of situation.

I'm proud of you.

I write these things as often as they come to my mind, after so many birthday's passing, I have much to say. Someday, I'll give them to you. And you will know that while we were dancing around it, I was loving you all along.

Waiting for you,

April 23, 2015

random thoughts

- I am super exhausted tonight. As I was yesterday. I was so tired last night I forgot the dog was outside when I fell asleep on the couch. She stayed out all night. This has never happened in the four years I've had her. WHAT the? Poor girl. She walked in this morning like, "It's about damn time you let me in." Sorry. In my defense, she has been going upstairs at night (shockingly) and going to bed on her own, without me. So when I didn't see her on the couch...

- It's my birthday this weekend. Happy Freaking Birthday to me. Haha. It's going to be super exciting. I'm going to Wilmington for a little shopping. That's about the extent of it! I already spent my birthday present from the mom. This weekend I'm buying presents for myself. :)

- The older I get the more determined I become to get to the life I've been dreaming of and waiting for, for so long. It will happen. And I am so looking forward to that. 

- Did I mention how determined I am?

April 21, 2015


Some weeks back I got some advice. That advice led me to pray about some things going on in and around my life. It got me to praying about the dreams of my heart and what I hope to see happen. It got me praying and asking God what He wants from me.

And then I "accidentally" saw info about Proverbs 31 Ministries doing this study on the book What Happens When Women Walk in Faith. Though the book is older, their decision to do this study now could not have come at a more perfect time.

It fit so seamlessly into the advice I received and a million and one other confirmations that I'm so very blown away by God's goodness and the way He can direct our steps if we'll just freaking let Him already.

Wherever it leads me, I want what He wants for my life. But I also know and see that the dreams and hopes still in my heart were placed there long ago, by Him. So I trust that the past I'm on will lead me to precisely where I need to be.

There's peace in knowing that He has loved me through the barren places and is still there, offering His hand to hold me up, and give great gifts.

If you haven't read that book, definitely pick it up! It's so worth your time. Especially if you're asking yourself how you got to where you are now, if it's far from what you imagined or dreamed.

April 20, 2015

promise me, tomorrow

On the day that our son smears his poop on the wall, next to his crib, when he wakes up from his nap quietly without making a peep, remind me of today. 

Remind me on that day, because I will be tired though I am in the one place in all of the world I most long to be, of the waiting.

Remind me of the story we finally told each other, as I laid wrapped in your arms. That was the night, next to a blazing fire, under the stars, that we told each other the why and the how. When souls were vulnerable in spite of the risk. The night that we knew.

Remind me of how hard we fought to get there (to the poop covered wall?) with that devilishly adorable kid, with my smile and your maddening stubbornness. Remind me quietly, with the eyes I will always search. Remember you say.

Tomorrow, when I get up and fight for something I don't have the fight for anymore, wanting instead to concentrate on this thing that is the one and only dream and call, I will think of you. I don't want to fight for anything anymore but to be the person He created me to be, you, and what lies ahead for us.

So promise me the same, tomorrow. And then remind me on that day of our promise to each other, even before we were a we.


“Do you know what a pearl is and what an opal is? My soul when you came sauntering to me first through those sweet summer evenings was beautiful but with the pale passionless beauty of a pearl. Your love has passed through me and now I feel my mind something like an opal, that is, full of strange uncertain hues and colours, of warm lights and quick shadows and of broken music.”

― James Joyce, Selected Letters

April 17, 2015

in the air

*By Curly Girl Design

You. You were in the air today. I dreamt of you last night. And then I woke, praying for a moment. Just one.

It doesn't really apply, but every time I hear the song, I think of you. "I just wanna take your time." I just want more time. Today, I wanted just a few minutes of you. But even if I'd had that, I would have wanted more. I always want more of you.

I did dream of you last night. It wasn't the best dream. And yet, I woke with your name on my lips . . . and peace. Every time you came to mind today, my heart swelled up - with hope, with longing, and a whole lot of missing you.

There are things I'd like to do with you this very weekend. I don't really want to wait for some future day. I prayed something along those lines when I woke with you on my heart - the dream of  you filling up all of the empty spaces.

I just wanna take your time. Tomorrow. Monday. And a year from now, when we're sitting on the back deck wondering why it took so damn long in the first place.

*Curly Girl Design - one of my all time favorites. You can fin her store, here.

April 11, 2015

i've got a little something in my eye

This guy. Wow. I think I have a little something in my eye. Either that or I'm crying like a baby. Now that's a marriage proposal.

two are better than one

fort macon, beach, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, Elaina Avalos Photos

"It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there’s no one to help, tough!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (Msg)

I've been sick for a little over a week. As this week wore on, I felt worse. By Thursday night, my throat was on fire. Friday night, I was puking up my guts. I do not even know what's happening right now, ya'll. But it isn't exactly what I'd call fun.

Being sick isn't really a new thing for me. In my head, I know that weeks like this can trigger events like last spring - when I was the sickest I've been yet. My doctor had me on crazy meds like methotrexate. The side effects of taking that made me feel worse than the way my body tries to beat me up. So I kicked that #$%@ to the curb and did all I could naturally and with what I know works. I went into remission and have been there, even through the insanity of my autumn and early winter. 

I do not want to go back to that. But sometimes, when you're alone, the temptation to rise and work, or to run to town for groceries, or to try and pay bills when you should probably just stay in bed watching endless episodes of the shows in your Netlfix & Hulu queue, wins out. 

What I needed? I needed someone to go buy those things that are dangerously low. You know, like toilet paper. I needed someone to empty the dishwasher. And maybe make me my hot water with lemon and honey, so I could stay in bed and beat back the antibodies that like to attack self. 

It's also times like these - this weekend in particular, that the emptiness of this giant house, overwhelms me. "It's better to have a partner than go it alone." I'm really, really over doing this alone. 

I sometimes jokingly write "Dear Future Husband" posts on Facebook. Much of the You & I posts found here are similar. This week, I discovered that the founder of Elephant Journal, Waylon Lewis has written a book called Things I Would Like to Do With You. I so get this book. I will be ordering one soon. 

But what I appreciate most about the spirit behind this book is that this hope in love, for love, and in acknowledging the loneliness, is not unique to me. In my world, surrounded by married people and families galore, one begins to wonder. 

It's a satisfying feeling to know that I'm not the only one who thinks about these things. I'm not the only one who imagines, dreams, and waits in loneliness for the mundane, the real, the joyful and the difficult.

So in the real world this weekend, where I'm puking up my guts, and wondering when I'm going to buy toilet paper, I'm also hoping for the day when at least someone else fills these empty walls with the noise of life. Even the tiny reminder that I am not walking alone would be enough. 

I know, I know. I don't walk alone. It's easy for you to say. Person who walks with another. It's true, the God who loves me - He is always here. But even He acknowledges two are better than one. So I will cling to that. 

And hope I can get to the store before the TP runs out.

April 8, 2015

hold me close

On mornings like this, when the clouds are low and heavy, I want to ease into the day, waking beside you and fighting off the responsibilities of the day as long as humanly possible. Stay close to me, as close as possible, on mornings like this. I will stay wrapped up in your arms until I can't keep the day back any longer. But I will rise counting the moments until I see you again.

April 7, 2015

miss your face

I'm not sure if you know this but I like listening to you talk.

When you're busy, away or distant, I miss you. I miss you.

Your smile, when I can get one out of you, is the best thing, the best thing in my day.

Sometimes, when you're being rather difficult, I think about how I've come to love the parts of you I don't understand. It makes me long to know every part of your heart, even the parts you want to hide.

Reach out when it's not easy. Trust me with the things you're scared to. Let me show you the love you've been waiting for.

April 4, 2015

how to win my heart ~ 3

Have I mentioned time? Make time for me. Find a way. Show me you've found a way, even when your time is limited. Or something else is in the way.

If you think I'm your person, like your forever person, promise to love me in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor and that you'll always ensure I have a gas stove for all our married days. Even if you can't follow through on that one, I'll adore you forever for saying it.

If we have a gas stove, I'll teach you the Mexican way, the right way, of heating tortillas. And you'll wonder how you ever survived or lived without me teaching you such amazing things. Okay, probably not. But they are pretty amazing. Act like you're interested...

Leave your phone alone when you're with me.

If you're happy to see me, missed me, or have been thinking about me - tell me. I'm dying to tell you the same.

In your eyes, I search. Speak the words that I see there. Words matter to me. My love language? Words. Words of affirmation. Speak the words. Write the words. Just tell me. Your words always matter to me, whatever they are.

April 2, 2015

pearl street

When I was a child, one of my most cherished memories was of "playing comida" in my grandparent's backyard. This is a photo of me with my cousins on the swing in Grandma's backyard. I guess it's about thirty-one years old. Ugh. But in happier news, it reminds me of the complete joy we had when visiting Grandma's.

Grandma and Grandpa had a small Craftman's style house in Anaheim, California. It was built in 1900. On their street there was a mix of the old and the new - small duplexes, townhouse-like apartments and houses that have been there for ages, all with a city building up around them - new businesses around Pearl Street, a street only for getting from the high school to the mall. Inconsequential. Unforgettable. From Pearl Street we walked to the library downtown and to the mall. From Pearl Street, we heard stories about segregation in Pearson Park, and of little girls named Amelia that came to be known as Mabel. 

My Grandma, Amelia/Mabel, lived for her garden, even when she didn't. It was lush, and overgrown, like a jungle. My Grandma gave me my love of the wild. She was like that - a cursing, middle-finger raising, beautiful - exquisitely beautiful, artistic, crazy, Amazon-hair, wild, woman. And then she was the woman that labored over the sales at Nordstram's to find the most perfect jewelry, shoes and clothes to make her look like a million bucks when necessary.

Read the rest, here

March 30, 2015


I've written a lot of half-fiction on this blog about my "future husband" and the relationship I hope we have. Most of the "You and I" posts are mixed with fancy and dreams. But my heart has been a little messy, wild, and unruly lately, so there's been some truth and hope mixed in, too.

So . . . I write to put the hope and dream on paper. And I write knowing that even in the delays and waiting, beautiful things are in store.

I'll keep writing what's on my heart. And I'll keep trusting that He's put the dream there.

March 26, 2015


"If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough."

A Pastor from One Harbor told me a few weeks ago that I needed to do a little dreaming. What does my future look like if I was just randomly dreaming and hoping? What do I want to be doing? And where do I want to be? And then he said, "Tell God." 

It's funny that he said that actually. He's never met me before though I know who he is. But he got right down deep into the heart of the matter. God has a way of doing that when we finally come to the end of ourselves and are ready to listen - really listen.

I've had a few consistent dreams all of my life. I've never swayed from those. What I have swayed from is my faith in God's desire to answer my prayers and to get me to that place. It never used to be that way for me. I have always had a very strong ability to trust Him in the face of difficulty, pain and, stress. 

But in 2003, that all changed. Someday, that whole story will be written and in doing so, I am certain God will use it to help someone else. But for now, the short version is . . . my faith and the very foundation of my life crumbled in front of my eyes in the face of a very painful experience. My grief overtook me. And frankly, it was far easier {in my head anyway} to hold tightly to EVERYTHING after that point. 

Here we are, literally twelve years later, and until recently, I was still fighting to get back to that girl that trusted Him simply and like a child. The irony of course is that in holding on, I was actually keeping myself from those things I most hoped for my life. Please tell me I'm not the only one that is that dumb?

So here we are. March 2015 and someone I've never met before asks me a few simple questions. And in doing so suggests that perhaps what I really need is to have a heart to heart with the God that has restored and redeemed me, about what I'm dreaming of. 

I didn't know then what that heart to heart would look like. Wait. That's not true. I did know. I just had conveniently forgotten because it was easier on my heart. I remember now. I've taken some time off work - just a few days - to refocus, remember, pray and let God back into that spot in my life that I removed Him from in the spring of 2003.

The thing is, He knew when I'd come back around. When I shared Psalm 126 on Sunday it mentions the "wandering" and the tears. He already knew where this path would take me. In that sense, it's not wasted time. 

On the other hand, now that I'm here, I'm just totally unwilling to waste anymore time. I still don't know how long it will take to get me there. But He does. An He will get me there. It's who He has made me to be. And it's been the dream - the same thing since I was a kid. Nothing has changed that. And I'm confident it's there because He placed it there. 

So dream on, dreamer. If you're like me, and life and pain, and a winding path took that from you, get back to it, however you can. Or if you're just afraid of disappointment, go for it. Don't look back on  your life and wonder what might have been.