January 21, 2013

Dreams & Stuff

I want to be a mom. There. I said it.

Truth be told the dream has always been to have a house full of kids. I wanted to be, for as long as I can remember, a wife, a mom and a writer. That's it. Nothing fancy. Nothing crazy. A family. That's what I wanted. Granted, I wanted the husband first. And then the house filled with kids. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of adopting. That desire has never waned. I figured I'd adopt after giving birth to a few or "our" own.

But there is no "our." There is only me. I turn thirty-seven in April. Thirty-seven is not dead. Forty is the new thirty, right? But as I get closer and closer to forty, I've begun to wonder what the future really holds for me. At this time in my life, I have actually reached a point where I doubt that marriage is in my future. Not because I want to remain single. I don't.

But it is what it is. So what does that mean for me? Does singleness mean for me that I will be childless as well? For awhile I thought it did. Not anymore. I want to adopt. Married or single. It's the path I'm on. 2013 is marking the beginning of a journey towards adoption.

While I have some personal goals and steps I need to take before I fully launch myself down this path (hence yesterday's post), I'm making these changes and commitments now because of the life I want. My job takes too much of my time - above and beyond what is required of me. I let it fill extra hours at home when it doesn't need to. 

I have done a horrible job of saving though I'm making more than I ever have before - and way more than I actually need to live and pay my bills. I waste an inordinate amount of time on social media - Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. And while there's nothing wrong with those things, there are things I could be doing instead.

If I adopt, as a single woman, I will be dividing my time between my children and my job. And I will not be a mom who puts my kids behind my job. If I adopt as a single woman, my financial responsibilities will increase with no one to share the load. If I adopt as a single woman, my time will be precious and I'd like to learn now to take advantage of every moment, when the moment is in front of me. 

So it's time. To get from where I am now, to where I want to be, I have to focus. I have to work my tail off and I need to forge ahead without fear. I have to stop living for everyone else at the detriment to my life and dreams. 

What is the dream you're afraid to say out loud? What fears are holding you back from pursuing that dream? Sometimes prudence and making decisions cloaked in "wisdom" are actually just excuses to not go out on a limb to reach your dream. That's been me for far too long. 

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